I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
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FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”