My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
You Might Also Like
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
(2022)
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.