They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.