The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
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Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.