When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.