Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
You Might Also Like
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Merry Christmas
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Home is where your toilet is.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.