“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
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Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
mood
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”