If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
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When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Donkey Kong sommelier