fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
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Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second