Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
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“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
This sounds bad:
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.