I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
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If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*