An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.