Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
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I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.