Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
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‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy