Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
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Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from