When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
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Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
this could fix me
Feels like there should be a middle ground
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Sing it!
*bites zombie*
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.