I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
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Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I hate my earbuds.