Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
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Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now