Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
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Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.