Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
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POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.