My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
You Might Also Like
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I was bored.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*