Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.