[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
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I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Love this guy
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco