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My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*