If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
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If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.