I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
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The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware