One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
😂💯
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
The A string on my guit_r is flat
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now