How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
The smoothest fall of all time
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.