“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
#Caturday
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.