I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
You Might Also Like
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case