Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
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My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Dudes named Chance never had one.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*