Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
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Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
lmao
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.