detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
it is time once again
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog