Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
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My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
did it work
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.