People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
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I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.