You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
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If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
181.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me