This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
This will teach them to underestimate me
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?