Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
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BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
my dog when i have a friend over
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.