[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
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So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
this makes me so uncomfortable
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
some cats are just doing for fun!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.