I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
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Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
me refusing to leave twitter
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…