this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
You Might Also Like
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
hmm conte-me mais
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I feel it
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.