After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
You Might Also Like
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Pizza is an emotion right?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
i will not be silenced
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting