Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
You Might Also Like
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I want what they have
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery