Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
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My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
this is literally a CIA plant
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore