I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
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Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?