The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
You Might Also Like
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
The future is now.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.