[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
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I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones