The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
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It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I never needed anything more in my life
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever