😂💯
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Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*