doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
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“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Okay, I’m still confused…
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again